I was trapped in a break-down phase for about two-to-three months, and it was a curse and blessed at the same time.
It was a curse, for a continuance of negativity and uncomfortable feeling that i was too exhausted to deal with.
It was a bless, without it, i might not be a person who i am today. To finally understand what happen with me for over years, only through my breakdown months.
My break down, was a response for a dramatical changes that i experience in my life. i thought i was prepared, but its not that simple. and i kept being defensive, to say that i should have been fine. when i’m, actually not.
I’m glad to say, that i am now have completely fine. while other may see the picture of me getting my new life, i found something more meaningful, to be able grow as a person. Significant growth for my physical, spiritual, and mental state.
Throughout my whole life, i thought i came from a family who were stubborn. who will not stop doing what we want, and no one can stop us. For me, it was a good base. but for some of my family, it lead them to not-a-better place. Yet, this stubbornness were embedded on my behaviour, on my previous personality (-or somehow still am). Later, little did i know, this stubbornness was actually my coping-mechanism, that i’ve been breed since my early age. which actually, is not healthy.
i don’t blame my family for not knowing this knowledge. Even though i sometimes keep thinking, if only they knew how human-emotion is working, i might not have need to experience most of the painful things in my life. i might just go on with a normal life. But now, i accept that, what has had already happen will never ever go back to normal. (ps. normal life, is real.)
Again, i now, don’t blame my family. Given how fast we escalated, and i’m luckily the one who only can understand this. to finally have the knowledge about how this human-emotion is working. and unfortunately, some of my later-family could not have this opportunity to understand human feeling and emotion. again i’m lucky, for once, i get-out from my family’s loop-hole.
It was late of 2019, and the experience was indeed not pleasant. But it push me, it forced me, to find a way forward, to see things clearly what was wrong with my experience. I think. I think a lot. I think too much. I could not stop thinking. even before i start my new life. i’ve been thinking. i’ve been talking to my self too much. i questioning things to my self a lot. Im sure, this is the compound effect for keeping things only to my self. and burst when all the overwhelming transitional need to be happened. need to be taken care of, all at once.
One thing for sure, i finally talk. This help me to find my-self back, to re-aligning what my purpose, to clear things up in my head. to help me get out from those frightening phase. only after couple months later, i finally can stand up on my own. to realize what i always need is the ability to control things. not to let my self stand in statusquo. not waiting for things to come up in front of me. not being influenced for what circumstances had on me. which how i lose my self.
my two-months breakdown experience guide me how to actually slow-down. to finally being able following the pace of my life, not rushing things, not wanting anything for more but focus on what i have, what i am doing. i still think too much, but i finally understand when the pattern comes, and which one will lead to any vicious cycle. I truly and simply just need to breath, and let my self feel it. never make any decisions, only after i get back on my own. That’s how i feel so much better.
i can say now i completely heal. i also surprise to my ability to cope with such experience. it is not pleasing. it never has. but since then, i try with trials and error, to really found where my self need to ground, which way of life that i am comfortable to live on. it come with trade-offs. it come with price. what i need in life, is to make a bold decision.
Im still weeping, to realize that i have to leave something behind. i have to leave some people behind. i have to leave some moments for goods. Sometimes, it still hard, to let B go, when what i need to choose is A. when, deep inside i actually know, i never regret what i choose.
I just want everything. I don’t want to choose, but to have it all. But, this turn out, is not kind of mental state that i can afford.
There were research and reading, that one decisions is actually more favourable in life. But what i feel, my bold decisions gave me peace of mind. My bold decisions lead me to a more meaningful life. My bold decisions allow me to focus on what really matters.
Sometimes, its quite exhausting, to keep my self on this track. to keep making decision for my self. to see the extent of any possibilities in which worst case that i need to prepare. to keep reminding myself that trade-offs will need always be made. and even sometimes, letting my self not to think at all. But this decision process is worth the effort, rather than keep letting my self influenced by my circumstances. letting my self following other voices. letting my self trapped, ever again. Because, you are the only one who actually know what you want, and what you need. Since then, i keep my self on making bold decisions, keep remind my self, that deep down, i will never regret any decision i ever made. I leave when i need to leave, i stay when i need to stay. But one thing for sure, i aware of my self. I now understand how my self works. I finally can understand, how most of the thing works. Ultimately, i found my self back.
some people keep asking me, or questioning themselves, why didn’t i told them about this. about what i was experienced. Indeed, i used to hide these all, hide all of my feeling. how poor i used to be on communicating my feeling and emotions. But now, i’m openly and publicly share my stories. its not that i don’t want to tell anyone. I believe, this conversation requires a dedicated time space and the same depth of willingness to listen and share back their own stories, which might be uncomfortable for some people.