This year, life taught me to be a better realist. I might also said, this year is another tough year I unexpectedly have to struggle. I might also said that am proud of my self for being here, where i am right now. For once i ever dream to live my life abroad as a mature human being, yet its the only thing that I desperately want the most, until i lost my self and not knowing what to do for after ticking my most-wanted list.
I still want to pursue my career, having a decent life, family, and everything that i just considered as nice. But, these are incomparable with my most wanted list that i have been plan since more than a decade ago. I found so many differences yet similarities yet as different as it could be. All the paradoxes of familiar things that actually were not. All of these completely new, completely unknown, for someone as a perfect-planner that i ever claim my self. All my planned were ruined, and i have to go through on adapting phase, in which i didn’t include in my plan, in which i arrogantly didn’t see it coming.
Funny. I lost my direction. I lost my confidence. I lost my self. But again, i found my self through all of this. I realize something is wrong. I cried. I blame my self. I pull my self from society. I talk to no one but my unhealthy inner-voice in me. I cried. I was constantly worried. Im too exhausted even for dealing with my self. I cried. I know i need helps. Until i finally talk with people who has expertise to get an insightful explanation what happen with me and my circumstances. I just, almost too late. And I’m grateful for universe told me that i barely can deal with this alone. That i need to talk.
I was once thought that i was strong, that i have been going through a lot of things since ages. But i never been this discouraged, never been this exhausted, never been this empty.
But I can’t stop to to finally understand, by this time i write this, its been two months since i finally feel i can heal, and still am on my healing process, to understand what happen with me, to understand some or more things wont goes as i wanted it to be. To choose wisely who i am surrounded my self with, even those good people can trigger me. To understand and try to learn how my emotion is working. To prevent things that trigger me, as well as learn how to cope with it by the time doing. I now choose to be completely calm in everything, particularly during my healing until i can get my self back to be a bubbly person again in the right place. But being calm in these loudest real world is one of my wisest option i ever choose.
I can’t undo everything that happen in the past, in which on my normal-rational thought i would never likely to look back, but since i was overwhelmed with my own plans, life and circumstances, i can think back everything from the past, and again blame my self for everything. But again, i can’t undo everything in the past. I can just maintain how i response to live with it to day, and what to differently do so i don’t have to experience the same mistake. As well as forgiving everyone that ever crossed in my path. And more importantly forgiving my own self.
This year, life taught me to be a better realist. To accept whatever things in front of me. To saying yes again, as i used to be. To accept the person who actually regularly come checking on me. To look on the opportunity, and say yes. Not to take people and circle for granted ever again. To live and make moments. To see the world as wide again. To live and experience things from the square one. To finally being able found my self again.