I rarely spent more than three, or four day for taking a health rest. Or, i usually could easily went to see doctor and get back healthy right after. But this time, i spend six days straight bed-resting just because my second guessing wether should i see a doctor or not.

I don’t like being sick. It took all my energy to do everything i wanna do, and i try my best to keep my self healthy. But, i didn’t see this coming.. my body is drop, i thought just by consuming cold-and-flu medicine that contain paracetamol, i could get back in couple days.. and what happen just even worse.. i was freezing, i don’t think i got fever but i can’t help my body from shaking. It was tiring, but to be honest, i don’t know how the system goes here to see a doctor with my health insurance. At that moment, i feel alone and powerless.

I put my effort, and trying not to fall asleep for a little bit longer at night just to find out how to use my insurance.. Good things, i finally booked to see a doctor right on the next morning which was covered by insurance. But, this morning i still not feeling any better.. i still feel dizzy and powerless, i almost cry hahaha because i used to go straight to doctor and by car.. this time, i need to use public transport and walk for another few hundred metres in the middle of cold weather..

I know that i have a sore throat, but i don’t know if my body temperature is higher than normal and i’m done with the doctor that morning. In that my powerless moment, i need to walk for another hundred more metres looking for pharmacist to bought my prescription. Long story short, on these  pitiful and powerless days of mine, just to found out that i’m not gonna go to see doctor anymore cause my ill just change, and the prescription is no longer working, anticlimax i getting better in day four by eating a bowl of Indomie.. ckckckckc!!!

But these experience open my eyes, that how alone i am here.. i have friends, but not that you can ask them help for 24/7, how you have no-one here to run into.. to help you book or just google that doctor appointment and insurance coverage..

or maybe there is one more thing that help how i wound quickly.. because from years , i finally crying.. a proper crying where my tears can dripped out effortlessly.. the tears that i’ve long lost.. the tears, the pain tears that relieving my soul.. i cry because of one videos show me how she fail and keep trying for years.. and since it feels good.. i can easily just cry on remembering how easy i was to go somewhere.. to all the privilege i left behind back at home..

Proper home, car, how easy to buy things back home, one dollar meals, less than a dollar foods, beverages and snacks, Spa, hair treatment, Mom, shops, designer shops….. everything… i also just realized, maybe i have this tendency to choose harder path just to show my self that i am capable of everything i have ever said.. to promise my self that this harder path will lead to a better life.. when, actually, what i already have is enough… or, how if what i already had is enough.. just like these people who live peacefully with their life without tendency to take things that we called challenge… i was lost a few weeks before this happen.. so when i’m sick, it make all the package seems completely one. i forget what i want, and why i am here.. i forget what i wanted my self to be.. i too enjoy on this new life that i couldn’t see things clear on my primary intention..

But, by the time i write this.. i just realized, the feeling of lost i felt is actually okay.. or maybe even good.. it help me to start everything over.. to built back who i am and what i want my self to be. To reset my views so i could have new perspective in which path i could walk toward.. to see and understand that this is a phase of life that i need to take, and eventually i just will be alright. Because either is now or later, i might need to leave all these privilege and create my own.. Because either its here or back home, i might working my ashes off to live my own life.. because this life is a forever journey..


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